Crazy Bob

Written for Wendy Cockcroft’s March Madness writing challenge.

“Crazy, I’m crazy for feeling so lonely…” Patsy Cline

Hello. I am going to tell you a brief story of Bob and his crazy antics…Crazy Bob for short. Before we get started, you will need to consider a few things. For example, who exactly am I? Am I a godlike omniscient narrator? Have I descended from the heavens to share this tale and so you can accept what I say as unadulterated truth? Or perhaps I am a family member of Bob’s with hidden resentments and personal values that color my vision? Is Bob crazy or is it that I think he’s crazy and wish you to think so as well? And what about Bob. Does Bob think he is crazy? Or does his awareness of his eccentricities ground him firmly in reality and therefore prove he is sane…not crazy? Crazy is usually eccentric, but is eccentric always crazy and who gets to decide? So much to consider in reading a simple story about Crazy Bob, eh? Or what if there is no Bob crazy or otherwise and I am the one who is insane? Finally there is your own sanity to consider. Perhaps you yourself are crazy and there is no story that you are reading and this is just another of your literary hallucinations.

So what about Crazy Bob? Ok…just Bob. You will need to decide crazy or no. Bob is entering middle age. He’s not sure if he is still young. Some people say that of course he is middle aged! How old do you think he will live if this isn’t the middle? Others will point out that we don’t count the first twenty years and that middle aged is middle adult years. Middle aged Bob is divorced and living in a small apartment. His ex-wife still lives in the house. She thinks Bob is crazy. How do I know? Well, for starters she has said so, “I can’t take it anymore. I’m getting a divorce. That man is crazy!” So if you are keeping score, Helen votes for crazy. (Of course her partner who she may have started seeing while she was still married is not sure who the crazy one is…Bob, Helen, or even himself. It’s complicated.)

Bob is not at all satisfied with his life. He dislikes his job, but he has at least two more years of child support payments so quitting would not be a wise financial decision. Speaking of child support, Bob’s two kids definitely think he is nuts. However, they are of that age where they believe they know everything and in their eyes all adults are nuts so I don’t think we can add them to the tally. They do love their father and wish he were happier, but they are fairly certain their folks needed to split up. Their mom had all these expectations and poor Bob just couldn’t meet them. They’re not real keen on Steven, mom’s new boyfriend. He doesn’t seem to be any better at meeting mom’s expectations. Crazy, huh?

Bob’s boss has been wondering about him lately. The other day he found him staring blankly out the window. He watched him for about fifteen minutes and he hardly blinked. He knows they are under a deadline to finish the Johnson account project. Those crazy bastards called on Monday and demanded the “go” date be moved up a week! He’s also annoyed because Bob is wearing one of his funny t-shirts to work again, pushing the boundaries on acceptable casual attire. This one says, “Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get me!” Bob finally noticed him standing there, gave him an odd smile, and asked him, “Hey, Stu, how’s it hanging?” Stu had no idea what he was talking about and asked him how he was coming along with the spreadsheets.

You might think this proves that I am a godlike omniscient narrator or maybe I am a family member and a golf buddy of Stu’s and he shared this with me at the clubhouse over a beer. I’m not giving anything away.

By the weekend, Bob was feeling especially morose. His life was nothing like he had thought it would be by this stage. His neighbor, Marlene, checked in on him. She was a bit older than Bob, but still hoped something might develop out of their friendship. Bob thought of Marlene as a nice neighbor.

Bob was actually debating with himself about enacting a radical plan. He was actually considering chucking it all and hitting the road. There wasn’t much in his savings account, but he had a few thousand dollars of untapped credit on his Visa. He’d always wanted to see Montana of all places. He wasn’t getting any younger. He felt like this might be his last chance at happiness.

Marlene sat there and smiled politely, but inwardly she was in shock. He can’t just up and leave. She believed he was so close to asking her to dinner. She needed to persuade him to stay. “But, Bob, you can’t just walk away from your life! What…are you crazy?”

And maybe he was.

Oh, by the way, I might be omniscient or I might be Marlene. That’s for you to decide. Call me crazy.